Sunday 22nd February 2026

I did spring cleaning and now my space doesn't look like a depression nest.

Couple of little jobs left but most of the big stuff is done.

I feel like, now what?

It was good for my brain to clear out all my shit, it improved my ability to think/executive function because I've been able to do some things that I would normally need a list for.

It's good for my self efficacy too because half the reason why it was such a mess is because I felt like I just couldn't deal with it right now and then cleaning it all up is the opposite, it is dealing with it, right now.

Guess I just get to enjoy the fruits of my labour? Just carry on pulling at all the other disorganised threads I find? I'm not sure.

I think I need some income, so I guess I can go search for that.

I need to chase desire. I need to dream. That's how I make change.

Stuck in my head: The Good Fight by Hope of the States

Reading: Thornhedge by T. Kingfisher

Saturday 24th January 2026

I sent two different messages to two different group chats of friends and been super ignored and now I'm questioning my ability to socialise. Spiralling pretty hard really.

Like maybe I don't know what's appropriate anymore, maybe my social skills are atrophying. Maybe the stuff I find funny isn't actually funny and I am way off base.

I am probably cringe, and my feelings hurt.

I have this pervading sense that there is a normal and good way to behave and I am always trying to do my best facsimile. I want to be palatable, I want to be seen, I want to bring joy to the people in my life and not make them uncomfortable.

The flip side of that is the sense that when I am being my unfiltered self, I am not pleasant, I'm not good enough, I am not fun to be around.

And I'm mad at every person that has ever told me to just be myself or laughed and asked me what is normal though, there's no such thing as normal when I try to explain that I'm not fucking normal.

Can we just admit that there's a set of parameters, an unspecified range of behaviour that we find acceptable and that some people kind of struggle on the edge of it, outside the bellcurve of prosocial behaviour and unable to intuit where the parameters might be.

I really wish there were people who would just love me for who I am. Because I really feel like a social nomad sometimes. Moving from group to group. The periphery. I still keep in touch with my old groups, I'm not a path of destruction and burnt bridges.

I guess this is my loneliness.

I don't feel it very often, but losing the ability to judge social situations and appropriate behaviour is definately a sign that I am becoming too isolated.

I want my personality to become whole and fully integrated, but I also want to make and maintain friendships, I want to be kind and good to people.

Rejection sucks though. I think my experience of rejections is also limited. Like part of opening up and being myself is that there will be more rejections. Having more opinions and voicing them means more people think your opinions suck, but you will also find people who like you the way that you are.

I've been a ship in the night, a light in a locked box, unseen for a very long time. Somebody will find my conspiracy theory that autocorrect is correcting correctly written messages to have spelling mistakes in them amusing. Somebody will like me sending videos of a man inflating a condom by playing super mario into a trumpet to them. Just not these groups at this time. Both things are pretty innocuous I think.

The trouble is you can't connect to the right people just by waiting for the right people to show up and magically connect with you. Because if they are like me then they will also be walking around with their own lights hidden, not being seen, not seeing me.

That means that sometimes I have to just show myself and people I care about be like "nah".

I've been very dreamy this week, dissociating pretty hard. I've had some moments this month where I've come back to reality. I started organising my stuff again. I keep on washing clothes. I cooked a food the other night. It was chicken marinated and roasted in fish sauce, rice wine and sesame oil with dill, aleppo chilli flakes, fresh ginger, onion and garlic. It was very flavoursome. I visited a friend, started making more paper dolls, imagining who I'm going to be. Had some cool thoughts about gender and ugliness which make me feel more settled.

I think when I start to do more things then I feel more comfortable connecting with my friends. When I'm not actively trying to be a person, I think I don't really have anything to talk about or like, I don't have the right attitude? I want to devegetablise. I don't want to be a vegetable, I want to engage with life. I don't want to keep checking out, to randomly find lucidity only to realise that days, weeks have passed and I don't really remember what happened. It should be scary to me? I should be scared but most of the time I'm not.

I have to be kind to myself in order to keep living. And sometimes my jokes aren't fucking funny and that's okay, my friends will still like me. And the more I am me, the more likely I will find people who do like my sense of humour.

Sunday 4th January 2026

In November I started to do a little bit better. I went to stay at my friends house for a week and I was feeling a bit motivated. I had some thoughts about plans for the future and things I would like to work towards.

In December after I returned I felt swallowed and smothered and like I disappeared. I barely saw any daylight and I just coped the only way I know and tuned out reality and made myself numb and waited for it to be over.

I'm starting to feel a little bored again and that is a good sign for me. I think it's a signal like "hey, we have capacity to do something, we would like to do something". Once again the things I allowed myself to be consumed by and obsessed with are starting to lose their pull. I'm not fully there yet but I feel a little turn, a slight inclination of the head towards reality.

I have the feeling that I failed myself again in December and I guess even though I have failed lots of times and I will probably continue to do so, I have lived long enough to know that I will try again. It's that bitter-sweetness of reckoning with my own self defeat and my responsibility in that and that I have to be kind and patient to myself in a way that nobody else ever will if I want to change and do better.

If I think back on this awful self-obsessed weblog of my feelings I started out feeling rage at my inability to get out of my own way. I have been devastatingly numb and disconnected at times. I have lived a really long time without hope, hope being a combination of belief in my own self-efficacy and being able to visualise ways out of my predicament. I have reckoned with my own lack of desire, living with the fact that there was nothing I really wanted more than doing nothing.

I see you, my fractured and fragmented self. I have visions for ways in which I will reintegrate all of my parts. I know that sentence sounds weird like I got a bunch of components not hooked up yet, maybe a toe dangling off but I mean all of the aspects of myself, my memories, my physical self, my emotions, my sexuality, the things I do and the relationships I have.

I did change. If I went from wanting nothing to wanting something then I changed.

My heart physically aches right now. It is a bit like heartbreak or sadness or maybe that funny twinge when you come to the end of something and it's time to move on? There's some loneliness in there like I would give myself a hug, and I've just started reaching out to my friends again after vanishing last month.

I'm just seeing myself in this moment and I am proud.

Reading: Murderbot diaries again, I'm on artificial condition 

Stuck in my head: Everyone I love is depressed by Infinity Knives and Brian Ennals
www.youtube.com/watch?v=62332nTART0 

Monday 13th October 2025

I finished reading Flowers for Algernon which was probably a mistake. I normally avoid reading sad stories because I think life is sad enough sometimes without looking for extra fictional things to be sad about in my spare time.

I think the thing that struck me was that no matter how smart he was or was not, charly was a beautiful person.

It was nice how through his journey the guys at the bakery learned to treat him with respect, how he never lost his wonder or craving to learn more, and when he knew that his mind couldn't be saved, he still chose to use every last cognitive moment to try and help others even though he knew it was too late for him.

I got the book a while back after reading The Speed of Dark by Elizabeth Moon which is a story about an autistic man in the future who is being pressured and bullied by his workplace into getting dangerous experimental surgery to cure his autism.

I didn't like the way the book ended so I purchased Flowers for Algernon as a different and more satisfying approach to the magic of dangerous not fully tested experimental science fixing people's developmental disabilities. 

Even though Flowers for Algernon is a much older and therefore much more filled with R slurs book, it felt less insulting to the protagonist somehow. 

I've continued working on my sister's Halloween mask, and I think I'm nearly at the end stretch. I've loved doing this project and I'm anticipating feeling a little sad once it has been completed.

I will be proud and satisfied but also I will miss having a creative project where I can plan and spend time learning new things and making something to the best of my ability.

When was the last time I really pushed myself and challenged my technical skills in this manner? When was the last time I looked at something and then made a plan of how to make my own version of it and then carried it through?

I can't remember when I just leaned into my pedantic side and allowed myself so be so exacting. For a long time I have linked my art practice to abstract expression, material quality, treating flaws and mistakes as just my way of projecting my own human-ness into my work. 

The logic is that art is a form of communication, and part of what makes it art is that it is made by a human artist.

When we go to see art, we are hoping to form a connection to the person who made the art and tried to communicate with us something that might not be fully able to be conveyed by words. 

Therefore it is important to me to leave hints and traces of my human-ness in my artwork, to leave the flaws and the fingerprints so that when the work is seen you will know that I was there trying to communicate with you. That on the other side of the time and space that the object has travelled I was touching the place where you are touching and relatively standing in the place where you are stood.

I still believe all of that, and I think that what I have made still has traces that it was created by hand by a person. However I think that in my previous work I would lean into the indulgence of flaws perhaps too heavily, and not enough into my technical making skills. 

It's been far too long since I have really tried my best. I feel really grateful to have this experience and to make something so cool for somebody I care about.

Stuck in my head: Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac

Watching: Interview with a Vampire

Finished and weeping over: Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

Thursday 9th October 2025

I have been having trouble calming my brain down at night.

Yeah I know that screens bad this probably isn't helpful but it really feels like my head is buzzing and buzzing in the dark isn't better than buzzing on my phone.

On the one hand I'm not enjoying my usual distractions which is usually a good sign. Normally I listen to mid podcasts that I'm interested in enough to switch my thoughts off but not interested in enough to care if I'm not awake by the end of yhe episode.

I've been doing tea dyeing fabric today as part of my sister's Halloween costume which has been completely new for me. I have never dyed a fabric before so it was exciting to learn a new process and it worked and came out exactly how I wanted it to.

I have decided to try staining it further with mushed up banana and soy sauce and I'm really excited for it to be tomorrow so I can see what it looks like.

I'm getting closer and closer to the end of this make. I know that it's the details that will really elevate the piece. I want to see it all come together and I am also nervous about pulling it all together.

Making the mask with papier mache was honestly more chilled because I just had an idea of what I wanted to try and I just sat there for the entire length of the Jurassic Park audiobook until I had brought it into fruition.

Making a 3D shape is pretty easy for me, but all the testing out dyes, paints, mark-making makes me feel more apprehensive. It's outside my comfort zone I guess.

It's like I'm building on a lot of the skills I already have but pushing them a bit further.

I know how to glue fabric onto card or foam to make headpieces (usually for carnivals and parades) but I have never dyed the fabric myself.

I know how to run test pieces and colour swatches but I learned that in ceramics, never tried it for painting before.

I have never tried to make something deliberately scary or gross before so it's like I have to ask around for hints and techniques because I just never thought to do that, I never really wanted to.

Perhaps those differences seem pretty arbitrary but it's definitely doing something to my head. I'm taking what I know and all my experiences and turning them to this new different direction and finding new ways to apply the skills I already have.

I want my sister to have a really special high quality costume. I want to see if I can make something impressive. I want to see what I'm capable of. I don't want it to look amateur.

It's not often that I try to make something that is the best I can do.

When I design for my workshops, I want to design a gorgeous object that any of my participants can make. I want to help people to be more confident in what they are capable of, and most of the people I have worked with are beginners.

That means I make design decisions that I don't currently have to make. For example, if I am working outside, there probably won't be a power outlet so I can't use anything that needs to be plugged in.

I have to use safety scissors instead of scalpels, the activity has to completed within 2 hours or less etc. etc. 

I suppose what I am getting at is that I normally design things that anyone can make and it's not often I do something that only I can make.

The restriction of it being a character from a popular horror video game franchise helps because I don't have to invent the concept, just make my version of it.

It feels good. I didn't think I would have this many feelings about it.

I wonder what other costumes I could make.

It's car month and I am stressing about that in the back of my mind.

And I want to try applying for other things too. The looming spectre of responsibility and taking actions for my future, peering over my shoulder.

Making masks is fun but I need to participate in other areas of my life too. I have to sit in that discomfort once more, because I am anxious and avoiding things as per usual.

I need to check my tyres and call a garage tomorrow if they're no good. I need to go on a zoom call about applying for a bursary. I'm worried I won't be able to do either of these things.

I'm awake at quarter to 3. I'm not calm. I want to switch my head off and get up early so that I can be a person. Be the person who can handle her car shit and try to do something about her penniless situation. 

I don't need permission, I don't need anybody to hold my hand. I can do these things I'm sure I've done it before.

After the car shit cleans my account I will make more money and I will buy myself fancy underwear to celebrate.

I will visit my sister and my nephew. 

I will figure out a way to go back to Turkey and hang out with Betül and Meşe again. 

I will find my own place and I will be the woman I have always wanted to be. My dreams are not impossible.

I will get through this. I don't have to hide at all. I will make plans and have exciting things to look forward to.

Watching: I can't concentrate

Reading: between books and I want to save the rest of Flowers for Algernon audiobook for when I'm painting so I don't get bored

Stuck in my head: nothing and it sucks. I should be asleep. 

Friday 3rd October 2025

My friend did something I find morally reprehensible to someone else and it got me thinking that I have some serious trust issues.

I know that if she ever did that to me then I would blow up the whole friendship or at least find it very hard not to.

If a person does one bad thing and makes a mistake and admits their mistake, I still find it really fucking hard to forgive them.

I just completely catastrophise in my head, I get really afraid that people are doing mean shit on purpose and are just trying to fuck with me. I'm scared that a person I liked and otherwise trusted is secretly out to fuck all my shit up for asshole reasons.

I know the more people I meet the more evidence I have that most people are not malicious but I still have to fight this undercurrent of what if they are like my family. What if they are all like my family and just good at hiding it.

So when I do have evidence that people are going out of their way to fuck with me  I cannot forgive it. Because they are confirming my paranoia.

If you have met people who go out of their way to ruin other people's lives for really dumb reasons, it's really hard not to worry that everyone you meet might have a streak of that within them. If you know someone with a charming facade and if you have watched people be repeatedly fooled by it, it can be hard not to mistake mere kindness for the lure that sets you on a path to ruination.

Most kind people are actually kind though. 

And sometimes people really do just make a mistake. And I am not judge jury and executioner. 

There isn't a lot of room for forgiveness, there's not a lot of room for genuine error. If somebody does something shitty they might actually have just had a fuck up and are not the devil incarnate. 

I have a hard time forgiving myself for the most minor of infractions. It's honestly harder to forgive other people for major fuckups.

On the one hand, I believe in restorative rather than punitive justice. I believe that people should not be reduced to their infractions, the worst things they have done. I believe that even when people have done wrong it is necessary, imperative that they are able to have another chance.

So it's weird to hold that belief and also have a 1 strike and you're out attitude to my interpersonal relationships.

The times when I have been forgiving I have only regretted that I let someone treat me like shit repeatedly.

I don't trust people easily and my trust is remarkably fragile.

I don't recognise or express my negative emotions easily and I convict people in my head without actually giving them a chance to defend themselves.

Maybe it's time for me to soften. Maybe it's time for me to be a little bit more tolerant of other people's failure. Maybe it's time for me to have a little more wiggle room, a little more flexibility.

Perhaps I will finally learn some grace. Perhaps I will learn to be more generous. Perhaps I will learn to forgive.

Watching: Interview with a Vampire

Reading: Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

Saturday 27th September 2025

Feel a little bit more like a person recently which is good.

I told my friend about how I had been avoiding people because I feel generally crappy and unpleasant to be around and she said that I am a joy to be around, that I am clean, wholesome, very nicely dressed, funny, usually calm, interesting, interested in others and that I have lots to share.

Like oh yeah.. I'm not some mean self-absorbed teenager anymore. I'm a delight actually. I had forgotten.

It felt cognitively jarring to be reminded, but also actually it was really nice to hear this shit from somebody else. And when my anxious thoughts creep in I can tell myself I am wholesome and clean and a joy to be around and it has been actually helpful and made me feel more brave and less reserved.

I've been making a papier mache Halloween mask for my sister which has been really fun because it's not a medium I would usually use so there's been lots of problem solving and decision making and trying things out. There's this kinda cool fugue or hyperfixation that my head slips into when I make which has been really tiring but also good. I think this is what motivation feels like.

I can sit working and listening to my audiobooks and hours go past easily. 

My hand hurts from working on it too long so I've been trying to rest it a little today but the mask is coming along nicely and I like being able to share my joy and my processes with my friends along the way.

My next job is to cut out an eye-hole in the mask so that my sister can actually see where she's going and then test out some paper mache clay to see if I can get a nicer smoother finish over the paper and creases.

I think I can use a box-cutter to make the initial incision and then rip around it so that the edges have a nicer finish and it looks more organic. I'm a bit precious or apprehensive about tearing up my beautiful dome but this is only a prototype and I do need to test out to see how effective my initial methods will be. Once I have the right texture etc. then I can start thinking about paint and finishes and try some things out there. 

I've been listening to more of the Jurassic Park audiobook and honestly I think it might be one of my favourite books. I wasn't expecting to enjoy it that much at all, really not my usual fare. There was a lot of raving about the evils of unchecked SCIENCE and venture capitalists, but I actually think that there are still a lot of relevant parallels from Jurassic Park to today. 

Even though nobody is shitting themselves about genetically modified dinosaurs right now, there is certainly a nod towards Dr. Hammond using his exorbitant wealth to make his dangerous new animals without bothering to think about the ethical consequences and tech oligarchies using their exorbitant wealth inserting AI/LLMs into everything without considering the ethical consequences. I could probably write and think about it some more and maybe use the word technofascism, but not right now and not this blog.

Things don't feel quite so hopeless for me right now. There's people out there who want to do cool shit and I could be one of them. I want to make things. I want to go back to Turkey and work in my friend's studio for a bit. I want to meet new people. It's not impossible. I don't think it's impossible.

Stuck in my head: Infinitesimal by Mother Mother
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffTxXXfGKi8

Reading: The Romantic by Madeline Hunter
https://www.madelinehunter.com/books/romantic.php 

 Watched this week: Saint Omer by Alice Diop
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Omer_(film)