Thursday 25th June 2026

I feel like time has been frozen for a really long while and that suddenly and slowly new second has turned. Then another. Perhaps a few more. Soon I might rejoin the main timestream that everybody else appears to be riding.

I always used to want time to stop and it would hurt to see the world keep turning anyway.  Selfish of me perhaps.

I found myself wanting things. And I automatically denied myself because I have always told myself that I will never get what I want. I hurt and disappointed myself to spare myself the real disappointment of being hurt and disappointed by someone else. 

I can see why that is a feeling that I didn't want to feel, it hurts quite acutely.

I dreamed of a thing I want to make instead because that doesn't hurt as bad and I know that I can make it. It's an old project from university that I want to revisit.

It's a bit like re-entering a room that I haven't seen in a long while and going back to a task I was halfway through completing.

It seems very possible. I'm not overwhelmed or filled with dread at the sight of it. It's not as though the old feelings aren't there. But I can name them, I can recognise them and I know that I can deal with them. There's nothing to run from or stuff in a cupboard somewhere out of sight.

I feel bitter-sweetness, the best kind. The bitterness of grief and trauma and the sweetness of love and forgiveness and hope. When it's time to say goodbye but you also don't want to let go. Well perhaps I am ready to let go now. And give other people the chance to disappoint me instead of doing their work for them.

Reading: Starling House by Alix E. Harrow

Stuck in my head: Say Something by Ceshi 

Friday 19th June 2026

 Mantras for not acting crazy about my art projects:

I will not freak out about preparing for my workshop

I will not stay up until 5 in the morning.

I will be fully rested and normal.

I will do a normal amount of work.

There will be no self loathing and last minute segments cutting into my sleep time.

It will be fine and normal and I will be fine and normal and not obsessively cutting up bits of foam. 

This year is the year. I will pack my kit at a regular time of day and not 3am.

I can absolutely do this. I will not panic. Whatever I forget to pack or prepare will just have to suffice or be rectified on the day or in the morning (after several hours of sleep! Like at least 6 hours!). 

I am going to be fine and I will have a nice day and not a shitty day. There is nothing to be afraid of.

I already did the scariest thing I had been avoiding for years. I can handle this.

Today is going to be a good day. This workshop is about loving all of yourself. It's about being the fantasy version of myself for one day. It's about customising and getting creative.

Today I will pack my kit and eat regular meals and then start to tidy up my crap.

Ya gal is going to be healthy. I am going to be integrated and there will be no intrusions and if there are I am wise enough, experienced enough to handle them. 

Stuck in my head: Benim için üzülme by Bergen

Reading: The Farthest Shore by Ursula K Le Guin 

Saturday 30th May 2026

The thing about salience is that it's not about what is actually important, it's about what feels important.

A loss or absence of motivation is more about the fact that what is actually important is not aligned with what currently feels important.

Intellectually we can believe that the thing we are not motivated to do is more important than whatever task we have taken up in its stead (scrolling, media, games etc.) But it's not emotionally cohesive. 

The emotional imperative to just look at one more video or whatever is stronger than the perceived more difficult task that is being avoided. 

That is because the distractions are more emotionally compelling, they feel more emotionally safe to experience the full range of emotions and the task being avoided feels more risky.  

It may involve difficult emotions that we may not know how to process such as being afraid to fail, self doubt, low self opinion, overwhelm, lack of hope or belief in one's own self efficacy.

That is why a lot of advice to try harder and be more focused is often ineffective. The problem isn't a lack of trying or a lack of focus (because it easy to focus on distractions).

Amotivation is a lack of processing difficult emotions, it is"numbing out" your feelings or struggling to perceive and therefore process feelings. 

It is the failure to perceive a task that needs doing and have the corresponding emotional nudge of "hey this needs doing okay cool I will do the thing". 

It is not looking forward to the results of the things that you do because they are outweighed by the anxiety of failure or other difficult feelings.

I am a person who has experienced some difficult and emotionally traumatic things that made me want to nope out of processing and accepting the things that have happened in order to survive.

I realised that conventional treatments for my poor mental health were not as effective as they should have been because depression and anxiety were not at the root cause for why I have been struggling.

This is not my way of saying that mental health treatments or diagnosis is completely unhelpful. I have learned lots of useful things in my years long endeavour to find a way to live.

I think particularly with the NHS, treatment only goes as far as getting back to work/serving the economy and improving a person's quality of life and alleviating suffering is secondary. 

Kind of like, there's a certain amount of pain and suffering that is tolerated or tolerable and a mental illness is only really considered an illness when the behaviours of the person suffering disrupt the economy by either not working or not engaging in social reproduction. I digress.

I spent about 15 years working on trying to address my traumatic experiences.

I had a long-term relationship during the first 5 years and when that ended I realised that my mental health was interfering with my ability to have a healthy relationship. Being in a partnership wasn't necessarily helping and in some ways it was making things worse for myself. I decided to turn away from dating and romance until I could address my issues for myself.

I have worked off and on with 7 different counsellors and 1 CBT practitioner, tried 3 different antidepressants, tried working out 3 times a week, made more friends, moved, travelled, did freelance work, volunteered, got new hobbies, joined an art collective, protested, gained qualifications, read at least 1 self help book (it was bad), went to a mindfulness class that was actually a Buddhist meetup where they tried to pressure me into signing up for a retreat that I didn't want to go to, I tried gong baths and sound therapy. I got a frigging art degree which is probably the most expensive kind of torture therapy there is.

I have tried so many things and the last two years of being very underemployed might have been difficult but it has allowed me to stop and just reckon with my trauma, stop distracting myself with all of the other aspects of living.

Yes I have been angry and frustrated with myself, furious really. But I have made practical steps to address it and for the first time ever I am starting to think I might be okay and that there could be a future for me.

Materially I have never been worse off. I'm going to be 35 and living with my parents broke. But I know what's wrong with me, and the methods I have been using to try and fix myself have been working. I have been blessed to have had this time.

Yesterday I went to the churchyard in a town I used to live in and sat in the cool summer shade and cried. I laughed a bit too. I probably looked kinda insane but graveyards are a socially appropriate place to grieve, even if it's not the dead that I was mourning at that time.

I have just been through so much and it's hard to explain myself.  I am moving on. It feels like this chapter of my life is coming to a close and I am ready for the next part. I can figure out what kind of person I want to be. I'll figure out where I want to go. I shall carry my younger traumatised self with me, but that is not what is going to define my life anymore. 

Ironically stuck in my head:
Mazeretim Var Asabiyim Ben by MFÖ

Reading: While You Were Seething by Charlotte Stein 

Tuesday 19th May 2026

 I did the thing and it was a huge deal for me and obviously could never be as terrible as the amount of stressing I have experienced avoiding it would imply.

 I am so happy about that. And relieved. And underwhelmed. And I'm also the traumatised girl who got me into this situation in the first place.

All the time I spent eroding my fear was worth it, even if it was maddening and frustrating. The fact that I kept coming back to it and chipping away at it. Kept on looking for new angles and ways to approach. And through that process I developed the skills I needed to manage my anxiety.

I could remember younger me nearly 15 years ago in my first therapist's office close to melting down and panicking about even talking about my anxiety. I think I cried when I read my first CBT workbook because that's just how much I avoided looking at or thinking about difficult things and I didn't have the experience to be able to regulate my own feelings, or even recognise them really.

I have had such a long journey to grow up. It's hard to remember how different I was. And still the same me.

I have also been really lucky and privileged to have the time and resources to actually work on my mental health in a way that not everyone is able to. I am grateful for that.

I have been at this for years on-and-off. There have been natural plateaus and side steps it's not a linear process. And I'm not completely finished, but I think I'm over the worst.

There's always gonna be another winter but things are coming unstuck. I imagine sometimes that's gonna get messy, but I think I can handle it.

I wish I knew back then that I would never hold other people up to the same impossible standards that I have held up for myself. I have always been a flawed person trying my best and making reasonable mistakes.

Officially cutting myself some slack, because I was never unforgivable. I just had a limited hand of cards dealt to me. I got more cards now I have more options. 

Stuck in my head: Mazeretim var asabiyim ben by MFÖ 

Watched: Horimiya 

Read: Platform Decay by Martha Wells (oh my days new Murderbot!!!) 

Saturday 9th/Sunday 10th May 2026

I feel terror and elation and neither is conducive for sleep.

Annoyingly means that I am more likely to fail and self sabotage.

But I am so ready for change. The thought has had me sick all day with anxiety. But then I got really excited. I imagined how things could be.

Like it changes nothing and everything. It changes how I feel. It would be closing the door on the chapter of my life that has been suffering and inertia. I could make peace with my traumas. 

 I avoided this so long because I wasn't ready to let go I didn't want reality to be real.

I could be ready. I am ready.

I'll get a tattoo, I'll visit Lisa and talk, get her chandelier back to her. Things will become possible again, they are possible. 

I can fix my car and visit my nephew, I will get out of dodge and live alone. I will date, I will dance and get my music back.

And I'm getting some fucking tights and mid calf boots.

And I'm getting my other fucking helix piercing done!!! And new glasses because I can pick my own fucking face thankyou!! 

I am going to make so much art! And I'm going to hang out in Turkey with Betül. 

Maybe I could go visit that big tunnel in Iceland.

Will I still like tunnels? Will I still like things hidden underground when I no longer feel that way emotionally?

I do actually want to pick up my damned work tomorrow. I have all this sparkly stuff for Pride everywhere and I have been feeling a little overwhelmed.

I can do this.ssssssssssssssssss

I need to move my workspace so that it stops ossifying. Man I wish I had coffee. Not right now but just to keep me company while I pick things up in the morning light.

A tad ambitious since it's nearly 4am.

I would like quiet morning sunlight streaming through the window while I experiment. I want to wash my face and be sober. Emotionally sober, and piecing things together.

I think I want to talk but if I talk maybe I will fail I don't know.

Even if Monday doesn't happen there are other days and I want this so badly.

I could walk for miles. My heart is racing.

I am holding the me who is scared and the me that is ecstatic.

I love you scared me.  I don't hate you at all thank you for trying to keep me safe and alive. 

I feel bittersweet because it really is time to say goodbye to this chapter of my life. I am grateful that I have been given this time.

Even if it doesn't go exactly how I hope, don't lose hope the time is now. 

Stuck in my head: Tear in your hand by Tori Amos 

Watching: last season of Beastars 

Reading: A Biography of Loneliness by Fay Bound Alberti

Saturday 9th May 2026

I got this sense that I'm never going to be ready and I'm never going to be good enough and I just have to do it anyway.

I feel frustrated and angry and heartbroken with myself.

I really don't want to do this alone. I have to do it anyway. 

I think that once I do this I don't want to retreat. I want to not be by myself. 

Thursday 7th May 2026

 You are going to do all the things you are afraid of

You are going to unlock the rest of your life

You are going to do everything that you have been avoiding

You are going to live