I feel like time has been frozen for a really long while and that suddenly and slowly new second has turned. Then another. Perhaps a few more. Soon I might rejoin the main timestream that everybody else appears to be riding.
I always used to want time to stop and it would hurt to see the world keep turning anyway. Selfish of me perhaps.
I found myself wanting things. And I automatically denied myself because I have always told myself that I will never get what I want. I hurt and disappointed myself to spare myself the real disappointment of being hurt and disappointed by someone else.
I can see why that is a feeling that I didn't want to feel, it hurts quite acutely.
I dreamed of a thing I want to make instead because that doesn't hurt as bad and I know that I can make it. It's an old project from university that I want to revisit.
It's a bit like re-entering a room that I haven't seen in a long while and going back to a task I was halfway through completing.
It seems very possible. I'm not overwhelmed or filled with dread at the sight of it. It's not as though the old feelings aren't there. But I can name them, I can recognise them and I know that I can deal with them. There's nothing to run from or stuff in a cupboard somewhere out of sight.
I feel bitter-sweetness, the best kind. The bitterness of grief and trauma and the sweetness of love and forgiveness and hope. When it's time to say goodbye but you also don't want to let go. Well perhaps I am ready to let go now. And give other people the chance to disappoint me instead of doing their work for them.
Reading: Starling House by Alix E. Harrow
Stuck in my head: Say Something by Ceshi
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