The hardest part about having social anxiety and being alone is that there is nobody to be kind or to comfort you when you are obsessing.
Brain goes: no comfort, only sticks and prodding and prodding and prodding until it wears off or you fall asleep.
I have to be my own comfort and my own kindness. I have to be the one to forgive me for my perceived mistakes. It's so much easier when there's somebody else to do that for you. It's like a hot bath for the brain.
Only cold showers for me I guess. I get better at dealing with it over time. I think. I must do. Being your own warmth can be tough though.
I am agitated today, ie. not so in control of my agression, or as much as I like. So I'm prone to being more argumentative and snappy and then hating myself for it for an extra bonus round of crappitude.
I should get to be angry sometimes. Why the hell not. Why do I always have to hide that I am pissed. Why do I have to be sooooo agreeable. Like yeah being nice is more fun and better and has more fun outcomes but sometimes I should just be allowed to have my crappy feelings.
Everybody has feelings including me. It's a part of me, it is my whole. Hiding it is what has wonked my brain so badly in the first place. Go be angry sometimes. Maybe sometimes I should be allowed to just be a bit of a bellend and that's fine.
Some people do that on purpose and don't even spend 5 seconds feeling remotely bad about it and the world doesn't end because of it. Be a bit of a dick, I'm trying my best and being somebody who never gets snappy or mad or argumentative just doesn't seem like a realistic goal for me. Just be a person.
Song in my head: Predict the Day by Ladytron
