I did the thing and it was a huge deal for me and obviously could never be as terrible as the amount of stressing I have experienced avoiding it would imply.
I am so happy about that. And relieved. And underwhelmed. And I'm also the traumatised girl who got me into this situation in the first place.
All the time I spent eroding my fear was worth it, even if it was maddening and frustrating. The fact that I kept coming back to it and chipping away at it. Kept on looking for new angles and ways to approach. And through that process I developed the skills I needed to manage my anxiety.
I could remember younger me nearly 15 years ago in my first therapist's office close to melting down and panicking about even talking about my anxiety. I think I cried when I read my first CBT workbook because that's just how much I avoided looking at or thinking about difficult things and I didn't have the experience to be able to regulate my own feelings, or even recognise them really.
I have had such a long journey to grow up. It's hard to remember how different I was. And still the same me.
I have also been really lucky and privileged to have the time and resources to actually work on my mental health in a way that not everyone is able to. I am grateful for that.
I have been at this for years on-and-off. There have been natural plateaus and side steps it's not a linear process. And I'm not completely finished, but I think I'm over the worst.
There's always gonna be another winter but things are coming unstuck. I imagine sometimes that's gonna get messy, but I think I can handle it.
I wish I knew back then that I would never hold other people up to the same impossible standards that I have held up for myself. I have always been a flawed person trying my best and making reasonable mistakes.
Officially cutting myself some slack, because I was never unforgivable. I just had a limited hand of cards dealt to me. I got more cards now I have more options.
Stuck in my head: Mazeretim var asabiyim ben by MFÖ
Watched: Horimiya
Read: Platform Decay by Martha Wells (oh my days new Murderbot!!!)
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