Been reading a lot of different romantic comedies lately, possibly to a concerning degree. Mostly audiobooks because I like the stories to just wash over me rather than staring at words and letters.
I don't have to pretend that it's high art, and it's kinda helping I think? Does every messed up woman eventually find herself in this little corner?
I learned that you don't always know what's going on in somebody else's head, you don't always know how they're going to behave and that you have to give people room to surprise you, give them room to grow and figure out what kind of person they want to be.
I learned that my social anxiety is more than just feeling like wank after a situation where I feel like I have said too much. I'm constantly policing my behaviour, and sometimes I can extend this to other people in a way that can be controlling. I want to feel like I have more control of a situation that feels so painfully uncomfortable to me than I actually do. I have to let go and love people for who they are, not who I expect them to be.
I learned that sometimes I practice having arguments in my head with somebody to explore different outcomes and prepare myself, protect myself from being hurt. But sometimes I will use this to decide that a relationship is completely irredeemable and sometimes I am wrong. The moment where I am already convicting somebody in my head is actually the moment where I need to be having honest conversations. I think I have already given somebody a chance, but actually I never do.
I don't know how to argue with somebody, and sometimes arguing is necessary. I know how to escalate, I know how to yell and verbally abuse somebody into doing your bidding because that is what I have experienced. I thought that is what fighting is, and that it was something only to be avoided. To argue with somebody is to give them a chance. To fight is to show them they are worth fighting for. If you never actually say: "did you mean (thing I find upsetting)? because this is what I am hearing when you say (insert whatever thing I find contentious) is this your intention?" then you will never actually find out where they are coming from or what they really meant**.
So I learned to be more honest about my thoughts and feelings, be a bit more confident about standing up for myself. It's hard and it scares me a lot, so I'm just going in a little bit at a time instead of leaping in head first. But this is how I will heal myself. This is how I will become emotionally secure instead of repressed. This is how I will become whole. And hopefully motivated.
Did I really get all this from a few romcoms?
I know that a lot of romantic fantasies in these books are usually hella sexist and regressive. I usually try to swerve away from ultra rich/powerful/possessive stories because they just aren't as interesting to me. I like stories that allow the male character to have his own problems and insecurities instead of just being there to pat the female character on the head and fix everything for her. Perhaps it just gives me a little space to find some different perspectives and reconsider the way that I relate to other people.
I wish there were more romance stories about little weirdos being weird together but in a believable not solely aesthetic way. Also skint people with shit jobs and oddball coworkers. Cringey people who learn to love themselves, ugly, self-concious people. Balding men navigating the mockery and changes in self-perception. Honestly don't love the endless paragraphs about rippling muscles and perfect tits. Perhaps loving and wanting flaws is my toxic trait. But have you ever called a guy handsome who doesn't realise he's handsome and seen his face light up? So cute I could die.
Stuck in my head: Anthem by Leonard Cohen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8-BT6y_wYg
TV: Star Trek: Lower Decks season 5
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt9184820/Film: She's Out of My League
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0815236/
**caveat to asking what somebody means during an argument: the other person has to be also arguing in good faith and not just trying to get you to do what they want without being questioned
