I feel terror and elation and neither is conducive for sleep.
Annoyingly means that I am more likely to fail and self sabotage.
But I am so ready for change. The thought has had me sick all day with anxiety. But then I got really excited. I imagined how things could be.
Like it changes nothing and everything. It changes how I feel. It would be closing the door on the chapter of my life that has been suffering and inertia. I could make peace with my traumas.
I avoided this so long because I wasn't ready to let go I didn't want reality to be real.
I could be ready. I am ready.
I'll get a tattoo, I'll visit Lisa and talk, get her chandelier back to her. Things will become possible again, they are possible.
I can fix my car and visit my nephew, I will get out of dodge and live alone. I will date, I will dance and get my music back.
And I'm getting some fucking tights and mid calf boots.
And I'm getting my other fucking helix piercing done!!! And new glasses because I can pick my own fucking face thankyou!!
I am going to make so much art! And I'm going to hang out in Turkey with Betül.
Maybe I could go visit that big tunnel in Iceland.
Will I still like tunnels? Will I still like things hidden underground when I no longer feel that way emotionally?
I do actually want to pick up my damned work tomorrow. I have all this sparkly stuff for Pride everywhere and I have been feeling a little overwhelmed.
I can do this.ssssssssssssssssss
I need to move my workspace so that it stops ossifying. Man I wish I had coffee. Not right now but just to keep me company while I pick things up in the morning light.
A tad ambitious since it's nearly 4am.
I would like quiet morning sunlight streaming through the window while I experiment. I want to wash my face and be sober. Emotionally sober, and piecing things together.
I think I want to talk but if I talk maybe I will fail I don't know.
Even if Monday doesn't happen there are other days and I want this so badly.
I could walk for miles. My heart is racing.
I am holding the me who is scared and the me that is ecstatic.
I love you scared me. I don't hate you at all thank you for trying to keep me safe and alive.
I feel bittersweet because it really is time to say goodbye to this chapter of my life. I am grateful that I have been given this time.
Even if it doesn't go exactly how I hope, don't lose hope the time is now.
Stuck in my head: Tear in your hand by Tori Amos
Watching: last season of Beastars
Reading: A Biography of Loneliness by Fay Bound Alberti
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