Feeling particularly feral today. I guess some days gonna be worse than others. Thought maybe writing a bit might help.
A few days ago I had this batshit nightmare that I broke into my ex's house and was going through his shit to try to find evidence that his life was sucky and I got caught and I woke up in a dead sweat dreaming about running away crying to hide in the big Tescos. Like I felt so ashamed and cringe that the person in my dreams was such a loser and a creep it really rattled me for a few days.
Dead ass I was like maybe I need to lift weights or some shit, it really fucked me up. I would never even want to do something that awful and crazy. It was a stupid dream. I started to do a bit of exercise though.
I even managed a few days but today I am having the shittiest period and I'm back to wishing I just didn't exist. The exercise did make some of the burning feelings go away a bit. Back on my everything is completely hopeless spiel today though.
Perhaps if I just give into it today and resign myself to not eating or showering and find a movie or some shit to even my feelings out a little bit. I'm so stuck. In my head, in my body, in my life. I want to run away from everything I have ever known and just disappear.
Yeesh I think it did help to write all that out.
I'm supposed to make and send a card based on awakening because I signed up for a spring postal project but that theme is sort of eating at me.
Wake up? I would like to wake up. I think they mean flowers opening and birds singing and springtime sort of shit but I just think of a big pair of dead eyes, opening, going am I awake? Not exactly mantle-piece worthy artwork I fear. I thought I could do this and it wouldn't be hard and it would be a nice little thing to do and be a part of. I don't have any joy to share right now though.
I guess that means that I will have to use joyless persistence. Just do a nice picture of a flower, that's not impossible I love taking pictures of flowers, there's got to be some from springtime that I can draw from. Today has been a bit like torture start to finish.
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