Wednesday 14th May 2025

I am tired and cold and doing emotion regulation things.

I have seen and talked to a bunch of different people and I wish that I didn't have to deal with the stabbing anxiety afterwards.

I tell myself that I wish I didn't talk, that I want a beer, that I never want to go outside ever again but really I just wish I could manage my feelings better I think.

I wish I could talk to people and be myself without the intense fear that I said too much, that I was unlikeable, that I said something wrong. Maybe I portrayed myself in the wrong way or I should have considered something from a different perspective.

Wish I could cut myself some slack. Be as accommodating to myself as I try to be for other people.

I usually just try to absorb myself in a silly TV show or book for long enough that I forget what I was feeling so anxious about. Feels like an emotional reset. Like I just need enough time alone for my feelings to simmer back down to neutral and then I can do it all over again, try again.

It's not a nice feeling to sit with though. Feels like my brain is buzzing my skin is buzzing and I can hear all of the ambient electricity noise in my house more noticeably?

I wish I didn't have to deal with this alone but talking to more friends right now makes it worse not better.

It's not as though I haven't had a nice time. I did painting and sewing and even papier mache at one point. And I've had barbeques and picnics and walks in the park.

When was my last day alone though? Maybe Friday when I was helmet-making?

Seems wild to me now that I used to have a relationship where I saw them every single day. Just no time alone, constant noise all day. I think I would hate to live like that now. I think I need decompression time built-in to my plans, a bit like when I do a big event and I give myself a few days to feel like shit afterwards.

Maybe Saturday I will get a reprieve?

 

Wednesday 7th May 2025

I hate it when I finish reading Murderbot Diaries and I wish I was still reading Murderbot Diaries.

It's just a really good character and nothing else seems to satiate that particular void. The podcasts are too ugh, the TV is too sigh, and the other books aren't Murderbot-ty enough. My brain is screaming for distraction.

I'm still in my little creative kick right now. I'm designing Knight helmets for Pride which is the most complicated and ambitious thing I have ever tried to do in a workshop. I've completed my first models today and they are awful but I'm having such a good time challenging myself and pushing my skills further and trying to figure it out. I can't stop having fun Knight thoughts and it's ten to 1 in the morning it is not helping me to switch my brain OFF.

My friend also started a watercolour painting workshop and I'm not really much of a painter so I keep thinking about what kinds of things I might want to do next week building on this week's session. 

My instinct is to start ripping it up and testing different surfaces and sticking bits of stuff together and sewing back into it and by the time I've done all that it's not really watercolour anymore? It's not really experimenting if you just do the stuff you normally like to do. I feel like my picture this week was just too conservative and lacked fun and excitement. So also not helping me to chill out and sleep.

I'm due to start making costumes for a parade this week and I have to sort out what days I will be working. Luckily I don't have to design these, just support other artists. So I'm kinda like y'all only got 1 month to make 100 costumes let's just get on with it already.

And once all that is out of the way I got a project with another friend which is a response to AI and technology which I'm planning to do in ceramics. I want to call it Error or something like that. I want to make weird cylinders. But maybe I should consider trying to tie it into my people sketches I did last month. I'm not sure, lots of stuff to try out.

I think that last one is going to be the biggest project I have done since I finished university. But I think I'm ready for it. But thinking about all the cool shit I could make isn't calming my brain down either.

I would like to step outside my head a little. Could use a mental hamster wheel right now. So I could stop being creative and rest. And my nephew's birthday is coming up and also I want to bake some more bread for a picnic on Sunday. I will start planning snacks and sandwiches if I'm not careful. I need ice for a giant iced latte I want to make.

Reading: nothing 

Watching: ugh

 

 

Saturday 3rd May 2025

It's May!

Feel like I've been on a whole journey.

More specifically, I have been on several of them because I did lots of stuff in April.

I feel like more of a person now than I have done in ages. I actually think I had a really good April.

Which is weird because two or three weeks ago I was feeling really crazy. So I guess I am kind of all over the place.

Like today, I went to a thing with lots of people that I sort-of know which is stressful to me and it felt really draining and I was so tired when I got home.

But also I worked out and went on a walk and my friend found some old ceramics work I made a few years back and fired it for me and it looks really cool and that made me feel really happy. 

I had forgotten that my ceramics practice was good, and it was actually really nice to see things that only I would have made. They looked beautiful together. I wonder if somebody else would love my work as much as I do.

I'm feeling kinda buzzed like I have spent too much time with too many people and I do need to go lie down in a dark space and calm my brain down a bit.

But I'm also happy with all the stuff I've been doing. And there's some more stuff I want to do tomorrow. Am I doing too much?

Reading again (and again and again): Network Effect by Martha Wells
https://marthawells.com/networkeffect.htm 

Stuck in my head: Mr Vain by Culture Beat
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMtf_ouMTHw

Watched: Carry Greenham Home by Beeban Kidron and Amanda Richardson
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1788360/