Monday 13th October 2025

I finished reading Flowers for Algernon which was probably a mistake. I normally avoid reading sad stories because I think life is sad enough sometimes without looking for extra fictional things to be sad about in my spare time.

I think the thing that struck me was that no matter how smart he was or was not, charly was a beautiful person.

It was nice how through his journey the guys at the bakery learned to treat him with respect, how he never lost his wonder or craving to learn more, and when he knew that his mind couldn't be saved, he still chose to use every last cognitive moment to try and help others even though he knew it was too late for him.

I got the book a while back after reading The Speed of Dark by Elizabeth Moon which is a story about an autistic man in the future who is being pressured and bullied by his workplace into getting dangerous experimental surgery to cure his autism.

I didn't like the way the book ended so I purchased Flowers for Algernon as a different and more satisfying approach to the magic of dangerous not fully tested experimental science fixing people's developmental disabilities. 

Even though Flowers for Algernon is a much older and therefore much more filled with R slurs book, it felt less insulting to the protagonist somehow. 

I've continued working on my sister's Halloween mask, and I think I'm nearly at the end stretch. I've loved doing this project and I'm anticipating feeling a little sad once it has been completed.

I will be proud and satisfied but also I will miss having a creative project where I can plan and spend time learning new things and making something to the best of my ability.

When was the last time I really pushed myself and challenged my technical skills in this manner? When was the last time I looked at something and then made a plan of how to make my own version of it and then carried it through?

I can't remember when I just leaned into my pedantic side and allowed myself so be so exacting. For a long time I have linked my art practice to abstract expression, material quality, treating flaws and mistakes as just my way of projecting my own human-ness into my work. 

The logic is that art is a form of communication, and part of what makes it art is that it is made by a human artist.

When we go to see art, we are hoping to form a connection to the person who made the art and tried to communicate with us something that might not be fully able to be conveyed by words. 

Therefore it is important to me to leave hints and traces of my human-ness in my artwork, to leave the flaws and the fingerprints so that when the work is seen you will know that I was there trying to communicate with you. That on the other side of the time and space that the object has travelled I was touching the place where you are touching and relatively standing in the place where you are stood.

I still believe all of that, and I think that what I have made still has traces that it was created by hand by a person. However I think that in my previous work I would lean into the indulgence of flaws perhaps too heavily, and not enough into my technical making skills. 

It's been far too long since I have really tried my best. I feel really grateful to have this experience and to make something so cool for somebody I care about.

Stuck in my head: Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac

Watching: Interview with a Vampire

Finished and weeping over: Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

Thursday 9th October 2025

I have been having trouble calming my brain down at night.

Yeah I know that screens bad this probably isn't helpful but it really feels like my head is buzzing and buzzing in the dark isn't better than buzzing on my phone.

On the one hand I'm not enjoying my usual distractions which is usually a good sign. Normally I listen to mid podcasts that I'm interested in enough to switch my thoughts off but not interested in enough to care if I'm not awake by the end of yhe episode.

I've been doing tea dyeing fabric today as part of my sister's Halloween costume which has been completely new for me. I have never dyed a fabric before so it was exciting to learn a new process and it worked and came out exactly how I wanted it to.

I have decided to try staining it further with mushed up banana and soy sauce and I'm really excited for it to be tomorrow so I can see what it looks like.

I'm getting closer and closer to the end of this make. I know that it's the details that will really elevate the piece. I want to see it all come together and I am also nervous about pulling it all together.

Making the mask with papier mache was honestly more chilled because I just had an idea of what I wanted to try and I just sat there for the entire length of the Jurassic Park audiobook until I had brought it into fruition.

Making a 3D shape is pretty easy for me, but all the testing out dyes, paints, mark-making makes me feel more apprehensive. It's outside my comfort zone I guess.

It's like I'm building on a lot of the skills I already have but pushing them a bit further.

I know how to glue fabric onto card or foam to make headpieces (usually for carnivals and parades) but I have never dyed the fabric myself.

I know how to run test pieces and colour swatches but I learned that in ceramics, never tried it for painting before.

I have never tried to make something deliberately scary or gross before so it's like I have to ask around for hints and techniques because I just never thought to do that, I never really wanted to.

Perhaps those differences seem pretty arbitrary but it's definitely doing something to my head. I'm taking what I know and all my experiences and turning them to this new different direction and finding new ways to apply the skills I already have.

I want my sister to have a really special high quality costume. I want to see if I can make something impressive. I want to see what I'm capable of. I don't want it to look amateur.

It's not often that I try to make something that is the best I can do.

When I design for my workshops, I want to design a gorgeous object that any of my participants can make. I want to help people to be more confident in what they are capable of, and most of the people I have worked with are beginners.

That means I make design decisions that I don't currently have to make. For example, if I am working outside, there probably won't be a power outlet so I can't use anything that needs to be plugged in.

I have to use safety scissors instead of scalpels, the activity has to completed within 2 hours or less etc. etc. 

I suppose what I am getting at is that I normally design things that anyone can make and it's not often I do something that only I can make.

The restriction of it being a character from a popular horror video game franchise helps because I don't have to invent the concept, just make my version of it.

It feels good. I didn't think I would have this many feelings about it.

I wonder what other costumes I could make.

It's car month and I am stressing about that in the back of my mind.

And I want to try applying for other things too. The looming spectre of responsibility and taking actions for my future, peering over my shoulder.

Making masks is fun but I need to participate in other areas of my life too. I have to sit in that discomfort once more, because I am anxious and avoiding things as per usual.

I need to check my tyres and call a garage tomorrow if they're no good. I need to go on a zoom call about applying for a bursary. I'm worried I won't be able to do either of these things.

I'm awake at quarter to 3. I'm not calm. I want to switch my head off and get up early so that I can be a person. Be the person who can handle her car shit and try to do something about her penniless situation. 

I don't need permission, I don't need anybody to hold my hand. I can do these things I'm sure I've done it before.

After the car shit cleans my account I will make more money and I will buy myself fancy underwear to celebrate.

I will visit my sister and my nephew. 

I will figure out a way to go back to Turkey and hang out with Betül and Meşe again. 

I will find my own place and I will be the woman I have always wanted to be. My dreams are not impossible.

I will get through this. I don't have to hide at all. I will make plans and have exciting things to look forward to.

Watching: I can't concentrate

Reading: between books and I want to save the rest of Flowers for Algernon audiobook for when I'm painting so I don't get bored

Stuck in my head: nothing and it sucks. I should be asleep. 

Friday 3rd October 2025

My friend did something I find morally reprehensible to someone else and it got me thinking that I have some serious trust issues.

I know that if she ever did that to me then I would blow up the whole friendship or at least find it very hard not to.

If a person does one bad thing and makes a mistake and admits their mistake, I still find it really fucking hard to forgive them.

I just completely catastrophise in my head, I get really afraid that people are doing mean shit on purpose and are just trying to fuck with me. I'm scared that a person I liked and otherwise trusted is secretly out to fuck all my shit up for asshole reasons.

I know the more people I meet the more evidence I have that most people are not malicious but I still have to fight this undercurrent of what if they are like my family. What if they are all like my family and just good at hiding it.

So when I do have evidence that people are going out of their way to fuck with me  I cannot forgive it. Because they are confirming my paranoia.

If you have met people who go out of their way to ruin other people's lives for really dumb reasons, it's really hard not to worry that everyone you meet might have a streak of that within them. If you know someone with a charming facade and if you have watched people be repeatedly fooled by it, it can be hard not to mistake mere kindness for the lure that sets you on a path to ruination.

Most kind people are actually kind though. 

And sometimes people really do just make a mistake. And I am not judge jury and executioner. 

There isn't a lot of room for forgiveness, there's not a lot of room for genuine error. If somebody does something shitty they might actually have just had a fuck up and are not the devil incarnate. 

I have a hard time forgiving myself for the most minor of infractions. It's honestly harder to forgive other people for major fuckups.

On the one hand, I believe in restorative rather than punitive justice. I believe that people should not be reduced to their infractions, the worst things they have done. I believe that even when people have done wrong it is necessary, imperative that they are able to have another chance.

So it's weird to hold that belief and also have a 1 strike and you're out attitude to my interpersonal relationships.

The times when I have been forgiving I have only regretted that I let someone treat me like shit repeatedly.

I don't trust people easily and my trust is remarkably fragile.

I don't recognise or express my negative emotions easily and I convict people in my head without actually giving them a chance to defend themselves.

Maybe it's time for me to soften. Maybe it's time for me to be a little bit more tolerant of other people's failure. Maybe it's time for me to have a little more wiggle room, a little more flexibility.

Perhaps I will finally learn some grace. Perhaps I will learn to be more generous. Perhaps I will learn to forgive.

Watching: Interview with a Vampire

Reading: Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes