Thursday 25th June 2026

I feel like time has been frozen for a really long while and that suddenly and slowly new second has turned. Then another. Perhaps a few more. Soon I might rejoin the main timestream that everybody else appears to be riding.

I always used to want time to stop and it would hurt to see the world keep turning anyway.  Selfish of me perhaps.

I found myself wanting things. And I automatically denied myself because I have always told myself that I will never get what I want. I hurt and disappointed myself to spare myself the real disappointment of being hurt and disappointed by someone else. 

I can see why that is a feeling that I didn't want to feel, it hurts quite acutely.

I dreamed of a thing I want to make instead because that doesn't hurt as bad and I know that I can make it. It's an old project from university that I want to revisit.

It's a bit like re-entering a room that I haven't seen in a long while and going back to a task I was halfway through completing.

It seems very possible. I'm not overwhelmed or filled with dread at the sight of it. It's not as though the old feelings aren't there. But I can name them, I can recognise them and I know that I can deal with them. There's nothing to run from or stuff in a cupboard somewhere out of sight.

I feel bitter-sweetness, the best kind. The bitterness of grief and trauma and the sweetness of love and forgiveness and hope. When it's time to say goodbye but you also don't want to let go. Well perhaps I am ready to let go now. And give other people the chance to disappoint me instead of doing their work for them.

Reading: Starling House by Alix E. Harrow

Stuck in my head: Say Something by Ceshi 

Friday 19th June 2026

 Mantras for not acting crazy about my art projects:

I will not freak out about preparing for my workshop

I will not stay up until 5 in the morning.

I will be fully rested and normal.

I will do a normal amount of work.

There will be no self loathing and last minute segments cutting into my sleep time.

It will be fine and normal and I will be fine and normal and not obsessively cutting up bits of foam. 

This year is the year. I will pack my kit at a regular time of day and not 3am.

I can absolutely do this. I will not panic. Whatever I forget to pack or prepare will just have to suffice or be rectified on the day or in the morning (after several hours of sleep! Like at least 6 hours!). 

I am going to be fine and I will have a nice day and not a shitty day. There is nothing to be afraid of.

I already did the scariest thing I had been avoiding for years. I can handle this.

Today is going to be a good day. This workshop is about loving all of yourself. It's about being the fantasy version of myself for one day. It's about customising and getting creative.

Today I will pack my kit and eat regular meals and then start to tidy up my crap.

Ya gal is going to be healthy. I am going to be integrated and there will be no intrusions and if there are I am wise enough, experienced enough to handle them. 

Stuck in my head: Benim için üzülme by Bergen

Reading: The Farthest Shore by Ursula K Le Guin