For a really really long time I thought I was just slowly sinking towards rock bottom. A slow-motion car crash. I wanted to hit upon something painful enough to change me. I wanted there to be a place I couldn't sink any further, I wanted there to be a line, a fixed point where I could say no, I cannot allow this to carry on any longer.
Perhaps if I waited long enough then time itself would force me to reach a crisis point. I wanted a crisis point.
But I am too loved and supported and lucky to ever really find rock bottom passively. I would have to seek it out and pain hurts.
I have known for a long time that help isn't going to magically beam down from nowhere and fix my life for me. But now I realise that external punishment isn't going to find me and fix me either. It was just a story I told myself.
I wanted to fall and to bounce again. I am actually not falling I am inert. You can't bounce from inertia.
I just wanted to be fixed/saved/rescued/slapped/punished/condemned. That's the wrong story.
I've had times in my life that I thought were rock bottom but really they were just unlucky circumstances. Bad stuff does happen and it can really screw with your head. Rock bottom is an addiction term. I'm starting to think I don't even know what it really means. Or at least that it doesn't entirely relate to what I have been experiencing.
There is nothing I truly want, there is nothing I truly want to do, I don't know where I want to go. I don't have any goals, hope or motivation. It doesn't fucking matter. I just have to keep trying stuff and that's it.
I didn't want to be the protagonist of my own life story. It doesn't matter what I did or didn't want. I am the stupid protagonist of my own stupid life, I see that now. I'm not a prop or a background character. fuck me I have to do things. shitting fuck. until a meteor comes down and puts me out of my misery i have to live my dumb life. not sure why I'm so mad all of a sudden. piss
Song in my head: Life Ain't Fair and the World is Mean by Sturgill Simpson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUpH0muyR-I
Reading: The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant by Drew Hayes
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Utterly-Uninteresting-Unadventurous-Vampire-Accountant-ebook/dp/B00M6AM6Q8
TV: Heartstopper season 3
