Monday 14th April 2025

I applied for the thing so now I feel less crazy and weird.

I want to put it out of my mind like just doing an application for a thing was the whole point of the exercise. It sort of was.

I'm thinking about the trip I have planned with a friend later this week. It's so nice to have something to look forward to. I'm so glad to have a friend that has treated me when I'm going through a hard time.

I know that things won't always be this bad, that I will be able to return the favour in kind one day.

It gives me this huge sense of relief though. That there are people in my life that know what I'm going through, that I don't have to put on a mask. That there is more than just uncertainty and numbness ahead.

So far as applying for a thing goes, I've had worse experiences. I've been on worse emotional rollercoasters. Not to say that it was good but I've been crazier before now.

Perhaps all the thinking, all the paper dolls I made, the aiming for bittersweet instead of good, the times where I tried to previously apply for stuff and failed, perhaps it's working? Maybe it wasn't all for nothing.

Like a week obsessing and struggling to get things done is bad, certainly, but I still ate food every day, I worked out a couple of times. I met up with my friend online a couple of times to try and work through it. I read 4 trashy romance novels and watched two anime, which yeah, not the healthiest coping mechanism but also I enjoyed those novels and TV shows. I went on several walks to try to think my way through it, I did some drawings even if I couldn't do one every day this week because of how fixated I am.

I showed up to a thing and made a template for a duck mask even though I barely slept the night before.

And I had writing that I had done previously that I could use. Once my friend Lisa stayed with me for what felt like 10 hours trying to help me write an application for a masters degree I didn't end up submitting and I felt really horrible about it for ages but actually it's really good writing and it was super useful and I'm really grateful that she spent that time with me and grateful that I did that writing and had those ideas written down in one place.

Tomorrow I can pick myself up again and be a person.

Stuck in my head: Valentine, Texas by Mitski
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOeAaxvidPI 

Reading: Clockwork Boys by T. Kingfisher
https://titanbooks.com/72574-the-clocktaur-war-duology-clockwork-boys/

Watching: Frieren: Beyond Journey's End
https://www.crunchyroll.com/series/GG5H5XQX4/frieren-beyond-journeys-end

Saturday 12th April 2025

I have things I am supposed to be doing and I am having a lot of trouble focusing and getting them done.

I've had a cold this week which has been really crappy and I am tired and I feel emotionally dysregulated? Like I could easily go off into the deep end should it beckon. I could get angry and fixated on ruminating.

I want to bury myself inside a distraction so that I can feel a bit more normal but I don't really have the time to do that. I want to feel calm and numb. I want to just build out naturally from the stuff that makes me feel good like sticking to working out, or being able to draw something every day, thinking about the person I want to be because that helps me to feel more solid.

This week I was SUPPOSED to be coming up with some designs for a completely different project but then a friend of mine suggested some work I might apply for and I've been all kinds of insane about that instead.

It feels like the 5 stages of grief or something.

I've been distancing myself and then all of a sudden it's like hey there, remember when you used to try and participate in LIFE? Remember how you know things and people and you used to DO STUFF? 

Half of me is panicking like: shit I have to do this, if I don't then I have less value as a person or some heavy shit like that. My friend will see how not functional I am and look at me with pity and disgust. I guess on some level I am ashamed of myself.

Other half of me is like: do I even want this? I would like the money and I would like the sense of accomplishment but I don't know if I would like the draining feeling that comes with talking to hundreds of people from all different age groups and backgrounds and guiding them through a creative activity. I don't like the anxious feeling before I show up and the mask I put on (successfully or not) where I feel like I am doing my very best impression of a person that isn't ready to fall to bits.

I've been thinking for a while that maybe I would like to do something other than participatory art. To me, that's an artform that should have more focus on ownership and the dialogue between artist and audience. 

I think it would be cool to have a participatory art workshop where everybody works to hold something up like balancing a balloon filled with paint on a sheet or a piece of cardboard and when it falls down inevitably, then a mark would be made on the floor. Something where we physically share the responsibility and work together to create an artwork.

I don't know if showing people how to make lots of foam hats with (probably) government funding really pushes the medium of participation in art. It's a/ creative work but b/ feels exploitative to the artist and the participants. The work is usually low paid and often feels like sticking a plaster over much larger social issues. 

Yes, people should have access to creative activites, and it is good for your mental health to do things with your hands with a group of people. But not INSTEAD of adequately funded mental health services and social projects. If I can get funding to do a 6 week creative project with kids that's great but there should be youth clubs!! Six weeks isn't enough to properly support young people through their transformative years and give them a place to go.

I'm kind of torn. I would probably enjoy working with some people and making some hats. It would be good to earn some money. I should at the very least try, I think. But it sort of bites too. 

What if they don't even think I'm right for the position is the other thing. I am sure I could do this work easy. CVs and interviews and that sort of nonsense wigs me out though. I can barely sleep.

Stuck in my head: Under My Skin by Jukebox the Ghost
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wi8srR9B4bs

Reading: Paladin's Hope by T kingfisher
https://www.waterstones.com/book/paladins-hope/t-kingfisher/9780356524351

Watched: Apothecary Diaries
https://www.crunchyroll.com/series/G3KHEVDJ7/the-apothecary-diaries