Feel like I'm being completely buried under minor inconvenience.
I did another parade on Saturday which was a lot and very exhausting and now it's Monday and I need to work because I have two weeks left to design my workshop and it's stressing me out and I'm getting stuck in loops.
I want to glue fabric onto large sheets of foam
but the room has too much furniture in it
I need to do something about all the stupid chairs and the hoodie and the stupid fucking outside cushion covers just too much crap
I have to find a place to move the stupid heavy table to
i need to take up the carpet and lay down sheeting to stop the glue from sticking to the floor. I don't have anything to lay down and plastic bags are crap
and there's leaves on the floor
and I have to get the foam from the room with the stupid washing in it
and I don't have a suitable tube to roll the fabric on to
and I need masking tape
there is stuff everywhere and how do I even live like this
I don't even have a clean outfit
and I know I got to work through it methodically one thing at a time. and I know that I probably need an extra day or to to fully calm down from Saturday. I know I gotta be nice to myself and not go on a fully unhinged anxiety spiral. I don't want to make myself ill. But it's like a pretty good set up for stupid things that make me really ill.
I don't want to spend two weeks not sleeping or eating properly doing nothing because I don't believe in my own self efficacy. I've been here before and I know it's a trap. A weirdly alluring, familiar trap.
Like somebody in a big spooky cloak like "hey there, what if you spend two weeks leaving everything to the last minute and then complete it all by the skin of your teeth? Wouldn't that be a fun challenge? You could just absolutely hate yourself and be completely paralysed by your own anxiety and then pull it all off just to see if you can. Have you really done any art unless your suffered for it first?"
And that fictional spooky cloak person is a fucking psycho.
I need a different path, a branch that I can hang onto. A different direction that I can turn towards. I don't wanna go with the spooky cloak guy but it's hard to think of anything else when they are just standing there waiting for me. Give me something else to look at universe? I really need a hand.
Perhaps this is where I should talk to a friend.
Stuck in my head: Truth Is by Brother Ali
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RF1FLZHTEYs
Watching: Murderbot
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt30444310/
