I keep meaning to write something but I've been in too much of a bad mood for the most part.
I went for a walk in the peak district with some friends and I ended up falling over and I couldn't get back up so we had to call the mountain rangers and they had to wheel me off a hill on a stretcher which was very uncool for me.
Also kind of funny as fuck but yeah. Did myself a nice soft tissue injury and have been getting around with a walking stick and wasn't able to drive for about a month, which drove me half insane.
I read a shitload of X-Men comics to pass the time, which while enjoyed, also felt like a living death. Like I'm not part of the world and that I don't want to be part of the world. Just stay inside my box and read.
I keep eating and showering and washing my clothes so it's not like I've completely given up. I just can't see a future for myself and it really bugs me. I know that there's stuff I can do but I just don't see the point of any of it right now. I think I've felt that way for quite a while. All my friends that can see a potential for me want me to get up and seize it and then they get pissed off and disappointed when I don't. I don't have hope, I don't have dreams, I don't have ambition, I don't really want anything.
Perhaps it would be more useful to keep a written log of things I do want, because my brain is probably deleting that information.
Since I've started driving again I feel slightly less crazy. Still need to get my clutch fluid replaced and I don't have the money. It's good to go into town and walk amongst people again.
I got breakfast with some friends at the weekend and I think I totally alienated them. Wish I could be one of those funny and cool mentally ill people but after a certain point I think I'm just a ball of hatred. I know spending time with other people makes me slightly less weird but sometimes I am shitty company for sure.
Being kind isn't something that comes to me easily, it's something I had to learn. I have to filter and police myself because just blurting out whatever you think or feel isn't always okay. I sure do spend a lot of time obsessing over whether or not I was an asshole and trying to avoid past mistakes, to an unhealthy degree. And sometimes I don't have the energy to do all that and just being an angry hater person is so much easier. I know where that leads me though, and my friends actually don't deserve my shit.
Things I want:
I want to live by myself
I want to move cities
I want to drink coffee from a cafetiere
I want to go to dance classes and improve my physical fitness
I want to meet new people and make more friends
I want to move past my trauma instead of avoiding it like the plague. It's eating me alive. I am on fire. I could call the people. The people I hate. Oh man I am kinda crazy.
Stuck in my head: Viva Forever by Spice Girls
Reading: New X-Men by Grant Morrison
Film club tonight: The Eternal Daughter by Joanna Hogg
