In November I started to do a little bit better. I went to stay at my friends house for a week and I was feeling a bit motivated. I had some thoughts about plans for the future and things I would like to work towards.
In December after I returned I felt swallowed and smothered and like I disappeared. I barely saw any daylight and I just coped the only way I know and tuned out reality and made myself numb and waited for it to be over.
I'm starting to feel a little bored again and that is a good sign for me. I think it's a signal like "hey, we have capacity to do something, we would like to do something". Once again the things I allowed myself to be consumed by and obsessed with are starting to lose their pull. I'm not fully there yet but I feel a little turn, a slight inclination of the head towards reality.
I have the feeling that I failed myself again in December and I guess even though I have failed lots of times and I will probably continue to do so, I have lived long enough to know that I will try again. It's that bitter-sweetness of reckoning with my own self defeat and my responsibility in that and that I have to be kind and patient to myself in a way that nobody else ever will if I want to change and do better.
If I think back on this awful self-obsessed weblog of my feelings I started out feeling rage at my inability to get out of my own way. I have been devastatingly numb and disconnected at times. I have lived a really long time without hope, hope being a combination of belief in my own self-efficacy and being able to visualise ways out of my predicament. I have reckoned with my own lack of desire, living with the fact that there was nothing I really wanted more than doing nothing.
I see you, my fractured and fragmented self. I have visions for ways in which I will reintegrate all of my parts. I know that sentence sounds weird like I got a bunch of components not hooked up yet, maybe a toe dangling off but I mean all of the aspects of myself, my memories, my physical self, my emotions, my sexuality, the things I do and the relationships I have.
I did change. If I went from wanting nothing to wanting something then I changed.
My heart physically aches right now. It is a bit like heartbreak or sadness or maybe that funny twinge when you come to the end of something and it's time to move on? There's some loneliness in there like I would give myself a hug, and I've just started reaching out to my friends again after vanishing last month.
I'm just seeing myself in this moment and I am proud.
Reading: Murderbot diaries again, I'm on artificial condition
Stuck in my head: Everyone I love is depressed by Infinity Knives and Brian Ennals
www.youtube.com/watch?v=62332nTART0
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