I am tired and cold and doing emotion regulation things.
I have seen and talked to a bunch of different people and I wish that I didn't have to deal with the stabbing anxiety afterwards.
I tell myself that I wish I didn't talk, that I want a beer, that I never want to go outside ever again but really I just wish I could manage my feelings better I think.
I wish I could talk to people and be myself without the intense fear that I said too much, that I was unlikeable, that I said something wrong. Maybe I portrayed myself in the wrong way or I should have considered something from a different perspective.
Wish I could cut myself some slack. Be as accommodating to myself as I try to be for other people.
I usually just try to absorb myself in a silly TV show or book for long enough that I forget what I was feeling so anxious about. Feels like an emotional reset. Like I just need enough time alone for my feelings to simmer back down to neutral and then I can do it all over again, try again.
It's not a nice feeling to sit with though. Feels like my brain is buzzing my skin is buzzing and I can hear all of the ambient electricity noise in my house more noticeably?
I wish I didn't have to deal with this alone but talking to more friends right now makes it worse not better.
It's not as though I haven't had a nice time. I did painting and sewing and even papier mache at one point. And I've had barbeques and picnics and walks in the park.
When was my last day alone though? Maybe Friday when I was helmet-making?
Seems wild to me now that I used to have a relationship where I saw them every single day. Just no time alone, constant noise all day. I think I would hate to live like that now. I think I need decompression time built-in to my plans, a bit like when I do a big event and I give myself a few days to feel like shit afterwards.
Maybe Saturday I will get a reprieve?
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