I got a diary for this year, which implies that I have some concept of a future that is going to take place. I am unusually sad though. Like normally I am hopeless but not sad.
Normally I am numb? or I just keep myself very distracted? I find things to laugh about. Sadness is fleeting anyways.
I talked to a friend of mine and they wanted to do stuff together and I realised that I can't and that I don't know how I ever will be able to. Well I know how but it seems impossible and unreachable. I don't believe in myself, I keep trying and failing. Having dreams is painful I think.
I envisioned a version of me that could get sign up to show my artwork with my friend in Turkey and then get a bunch of stuff made on time and transported across there. The sky would have been so blue. A version of me that could seize upon opportunities and run with them.
I've been trying to clear up the laundry in my room for three days and somehow keep failing to even start. My broke ass isn't going to make anything. I admitted to my friend that I honestly don't believe that I can do it and I started crying in a way that I haven't cried for a long while. I felt so heartbroken and stuck.
I wore some new makeup the other day as a treat and my dad said sarcastically "ooh are you going out on a date?" like so fucking mean. For context, he knows I don't date and that I wasn't planning on going out so he only said that to shit on me.
Heaven forbid I have anything nice or do anything nice for myself. Wouldn't want to get too carried away and feel good about myself for a fucking second there.
My dad has always chipped away at me like that. For a long time, that's how I used to speak to people too, but it's not nice and that's not who I want to be. I feel like I've been bullied and squished my entire life and I've done my own share of bullying and squishing back.
I was so so defensive when I was younger. I dared not admit to liking anything lest it be immediately shit all over. I hid my feelings so well that I even managed to hide them from myself.
I had a lecturer at university who told me that it was like I had this light inside of me and for whatever reason I always tried to keep it hidden and make sure that nobody ever really saw the best things about myself.
What I learned is that trying to keep your light hidden to protect it from being stolen or extinguished by others is to live as though your light has already been stolen and extinguished by others and it amounts to the same thing.
I have a vision of myself inside my head. It's unfinished but I can see this person who I have never been allowed to be for one reason or another. A person I have always had to hide and deny and reject and ignore. Kinda like she's just there, waiting for me to notice. I wanna be her. The whatever it is I was trying to protect.
I don't want to be compartmentalised for the comfort and convenience of others.
Stuck in my head: Ghosting by Mother Mother
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAhUScrPC7Y
Reading again: Sexed Up by Julia Serano
https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/julia-serano/sexed-up/9781541674806/
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